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What is Your Life Script?

Ever wondered why events of your life seem to follow a recurring pattern? Despite your best efforts to change them? Why you react the same way over and over again? Why you make the same choices? Same outcomes.. same old same old.

The answer is simple: life scripts. In the words of renowned psychotherapist and Psychiatrist, Life script is an unconscious life plan” meaning that the outcomes of our lives are driven by unconscious scripts or rules. These scripts are formed in our early years, based on events and relationships that shape and influence how we see the world. Even as adults, these life scripts continue to have a deep and unconscious effect on how we live our lives.

Life Scripts can be positive or negative depending on your life experiences. Understanding your particular script can help you see how it might be influencing your thoughts, and help you to come up with more positive thoughts and actions.

In my own journey, through counselling and deep self-analysis, I discovered some of my life scripts were :
“ I am bad” – this long held life script meant that I felt unworthy, ashamed and unloveable and impure. Looking back, it’s no surprise that I sought out wrong relationships and pushed people away, because they made me feel even more unworthy, and inferior
“My dreams are just dreams, they will not happen”
“When you criticise me, it means you do not like me”
“If I fear the worst, then if it happens, it will not be a surprise”
“If I let people close, they will discover the real me and not like me”

Uncovering my life scripts has been life changing. Just having a conscious awareness alone, started a mindset shift. Aha moments came. “wow, so this is why I react or behave the way I do” Then I began to address and challenge the truth of these scripts. “ Why am I bad?” Who or what in my history founded this script? The more I searched and processed through counselling, I recalled those dark memories, events, people, situations, all the things that led me to write the script that said “I am bad” But now in the present, I could counteract that script with evidence to the contrary that I am not bad and that I am good. That my behaviour does not define me as bad. I am good. 

It is so important to understand why your life scripts are because as I say to my clients, whether or not you are aware, it is the driving force behind your actions and decisions. We operate out of an operating system – our beliefs. On the surface you may think you believe one thing, but if your actions are not aligned to your beliefs, it is important to really look deep within as unconsciously you may be holding old life scripts that are hindering you.

Perhaps this is a good time to think about what your life scripts …

My Anger Experience – How I Followed The Trail

A difficult experience recently left me sinking in a myriad of emotions, but the one that stood out the most in deep red, was anger. Absolute rage, that I thought I would faint from the overwhelming pressure. Worse still was the fact that I couldn’t voice my rage because of the sensitivity of circumstances that surrounded the issue. So I was left scheming, plotting and acting out in my mind what I needed to do to hit back. I wanted to hurt the person as much as I felt they hurt me. Soon enough I had a list of all the people that had hurt me. Old resentments resurfaced with thoughts spilling out like a reopened wound, bleeding profusely.

“You see, I told you never to trust anybody, NEVER. They will always hurt you”
“They will use your words against you”
“Trust no one”
“They meant to hurt you”
“No one really cares”
“Keep your guard up and never let it down”
“You see, I told you..”

“They” means everyone, so of course it made sense I would cut them all off. Every single one of them. My thoughts were sly and cunning enough to justify projecting my anger on the innocents. This was war and I was going to win. Yet I couldn’t sleep, there was no peace, just a rage and a strong defensive desire to be even, to hurt and not be hurt again.

Self-awareness and the Counsellor in me said “you know there is more to this Oby, you need to explore” But the wounded child in me wouldn’t budge or let go. “Hurt them, cut them off”
I prayed, “Lord, I need your help, this is big. Help me process this” I needed a serious dose of courage, and bravery, my full armour, to help me tread the path of exploring my anger. “Remember Oby, anger is a signpost, you just need to follow the trail. Use your anger to understand.”

But I was so aaannggrry!! It felt easier and more comfortable to blame and hit back and dump it on everyone else’s doorstep. I couldn’t bear to look at my stuff… “what stuff? It’s not me, it’s them.” I felt justified.

But I know deep down in the depths of my soul, that anger is a mask. What was I hiding? What was lurking?
So with great trepidation I took some time, deep breaths…. More deep breaths to listen…
And I heard. I heard a little girl’s voice… little Oby
Rocking back and forth, holding me tightly in a foetal like position, I cried out the words…
“Lord I feel rejected”
“I feel unloved, no one loves me”
“I feel unlovable”
“I feel like I’m on the outside and no one would let me in”
“Because I am not good enough”
“Because I am not good”
“I feel disapproved”
“Nothing I do will ever be good enough”
“It hurts like hell to even try to think of how they see me… no good”
“I feel despised”
“trampled and trodden on”
“Accused”
“Abused”
“Belittled”
“unheard”
“unloved”
“judged”
“shamed”
“condemned”
“put out”
“small”

Rocking back and forth, my burden felt lighter, my breathing calmer as I pondered, reflected and remembered. I remembered whom I belonged to, I remembered I am loved, deeply loved. If I allowed myself I could feel His love, wanting to soothe away my pain. Fighting the urge to reject this revelation, this love, feeling unworthy and undeserving.

I remembered again,
I am loved and I am worthy to receive that love.
I am good enough
I am good
I am lovable
I am worthy
I am cherished
I am adequate
There is no condemnation for I am His

Can You Relate?

If like me, you are consumed with feelings of anger, rejection or hurt and you want to do something about it, to get unstuck and free. Or maybe life has recently thrown you a few curveballs. Whatever your predicament, don’t suffer in silence, and try to work it out on your own, GET IN TOUCH!  BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY SESSION

My signature Authenticity coaching programme will:
Help you understand you
Identify the root of your problems
Develop a success plan to make change happen
Build the courage to change
Implement Change and live the life you truly want

Why You need to Aim for Excellence and not Perfection

I had a conversation with a friend a while back which sparked my interest in this subject. Our conversation turned into a disagreement. Being the counsellor that I am, I was keen to point out that her incessant need to push her kids to the greatest heights of academic achievement despite the gruelling effects (financially, physically and mentally) it was having on her and her family was rather extreme and unhealthy. Her response was “I am all about excellence and I will not settle for less”. I could not help asking, is this perfectionism rather than excellence? So often I hear the word excellence used to justify actions and behaviours that could perhaps be deemed extreme, or “a bit much” or drastic. I know I have been guilty of citing excellence in this way myself, which usually leaves the opposing party with little or no room to challenge. But is what we call excellence truly excellence? Or are we just fooling ourselves?

What Is Excellence?

The Oxford dictionary defines excellence as “the quality of being outstanding and or extremely good.” I like that this definition starts with the “quality of being”, which focuses first on the person more so than on the result gained. It has more to do with character than achievement. It points to applying consistency and having a prevailing attitude which Colin Powell describes, “If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude.” Therefore using Powell’s definition, it would follow that excellence is more about character building, discipline, and self-improvement. It makes sense to me that if I applied myself in this way that I would more than likely achieve desired results.

Perfectionism on the other hand is defined in medical terms as “the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness” (Merriam Webster)
Perfectionism is not in the slightest bit interested in the character or efforts. All it wants is results. It is highly critical and will accept nothing less, regardless of how much work has been put in.

A powerful differentiation between perfection and excellence was made by Michael J. Fox when he said “I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.”
Perfection has to do with fear, that I will only be good enough when I achieve the desired result. Sadly the result is usually so unrealistic and unattainable due to a critical and negative belief, and a deep lack of self-worth and acceptance. So much that unconsciously, the person has set themselves up to fail, which gives them even more reason not to accept themselves. With perfection there is no sense of nurturing, patting on the back, or letting yourself off the hook. Just a task master that keeps pushing and pushing to strive at all costs. Understandably, striving for perfection only produces more mistakes and failures.

 Excellence encourages us to do our best but allows for the fact that we are humans with weaknesses. Hence, excellence is more nurturing and loving. A person who has an excellent spirit about them will be more kind to themselves even when they make mistakes or fail. When we love ourselves in this way and receive the same from others, we feel more empowered to do our best and achieve desired results. Perfectionism, on the other hand, can lead to torment and condemnation. A perfectionist has a strong internal critical voice that will push to get what it wants at all costs.

Signs of a perfectionist

  1. You are an all or nothing person. You hold a very black and white approach, there are no shades of grey or anything in between. You must do everything well or not do it at all.

  2.  You do not tolerate mistakes in yourself or in others and are quick to call it out. Hence, you are quite hard on yourself.

  3.  You are very particular about how you like things done, which makes it difficult to delegate or work with others. People view you as a task master and someone who is difficult to please.

  4.  You spot errors, flaws and problems easily, as you have a critical eye for detail. Whilst this is a strength, it poses problems because you do not pay attention to the positives or areas that have gone well, only the negatives. You set extremely high standards, which are difficult to achieve, causing you stress, overwhelm and leaving you feeling like a failure.

  5. You focus heavily on the end-result, rather the process involved. You don’t stop to celebrate small wins or achievements.

  6.  You spend a huge amount time on your work to make it perfect. You will not let it go until it is perfect. You would rather be late than submit work that is below your standard, even it meets the required standard. You sacrifice sleep, rest, relationships and others areas of your life to ensure you achieve your goal.

  7. You are prone to procrastination, because of the effort involved in ensuring that the work you produce is perfect. Which means that you regularly put off doing work, if you feel you are not ready or able to deliver top quality results.

  8.  You experience depression and deep lows when you don’t achieve your goals.

  9.  You always want more; success is a never-ending goal to attain, which constantly drives you, to the detriment of other things in your life.

If you can relate to all or most of the above signs, then it is likely you are a perfectionist. Do you often feel worn out, stressed and exhausted from constantly striving? Or depressed and demoralised from not trying because you know what it would involve to start?

Give Excellence a chance

Excellence welcomes your flaws and mistakes, as it allows you to explore and try things out, taking small steps. Excellence places emphasis on enjoying the journey, savouring the moments, celebrating milestones, learning and discovering yourself. You are a work in progress and excellence is not a destination! Here are some key principles to follow that will help you achieve excellence.

  1. Focus on passion and purpose:Discover what you really love and enjoy doing, as these are the things that bring you pleasure and delight. It will feel less like hard work and you will be more involved and engaged. The more involved you are, the more you will learn, experiment and increase your knowledge and skills. These are necessary ingredients for achieving excellence.

  2. Focus on your strengths:Your strengths are your natural abilities and personal characteristics which will help to fuel and drive your passion. They are present throughout your life, but also can be enhanced through experience and training. Strengths are part of who you are and skills are more about what you do. It is important to understand your strengths first and build on them rather than focusing on acquiring skills which may not be aligned to your strengths. The key to excellence is to focus on your competencies and avoid overemphasis on areas where you may not be naturally talented or competent.

  3. Plan well and set SMART goals:Read my blog, 5 rules to achieve your goals. In summary, the essence of SMART goals is that you plan adequately and relevantly to you.

    specific, significant: Be clear and precise about what you want to achieve

    Mmeasurable, meaningful, motivational: Ensure your goals and plans

    Aagreed upon, attainable, achievable, acceptable, action-oriented: What is your motivation for setting this             goal? The goal must be acceptable to you.

    R realistic, relevant, reasonable, rewarding, results-oriented: Are you being realistic with your goals? Be honest about what you can achieve. Don’t focus on massive or big wins but little wins and reward yourself.

    T time-based, time-bound, timely, tangible, trackable: If you don’t plan or set aside time in your day to day activity, chances are you will not achieve or make attempts to achieve the goal.

  4. Get Knowledge:This includes self-knowledge. Learning about new and interesting things opens up your mind.  What interests you? What subject or area would you be keen to learn about? What is your best learning style? Do you learn best through pictures, images or physically by doing or verbally through speech, words and writing. The key is to enjoy learning.

  5. Collaborate and share with others:Knowledge grows through sharing. What would otherwise take hours to study could be learned quicker through collaborating with others. Hence why many people seek coaching and mentoring. Try teaching others what you know as it is a brilliant way of improving your knowledge and expertise. At the same time you are serving and helping others. Serving, sharing and collaborating are crucial for developing excellence.

So what’s it going to be, Excellence or Perfection?

Visualise you being more nurturing, kind to yourself, giving you a pat on the back. Picture a life of no overwhelm and stress with you doing less, being more, yet thriving instead of striving. If you would like to ditch your perfectionist tendencies for a life of excellence, then BOOK A FREE 30 Minute Discovery Call and let’s chat

My Signature Authenticity coaching programme will:
• Help you understand you
• Identify the root of your problems
• Develop a success plan to make change happen
• Build the courage to change
• Implement Change and live the life you truly want

Do Less Be More

The modern-day lifestyle seems to be one that thrives on busyness, information overload, always being plugged and switched on. Heard of the new term FOMO? – Fear of Missing Out. Are we really afraid of missing out or just afraid of Being? Perhaps we are running from ourselves? I have been doing a lot of searching and pondering these last few weeks and I am challenging myself to Do Less and BE MORE.

Last week I knew I had to do some serious soul searching, as I had reached burnout, overwhelm and mental exhaustion. Over the past 12 months, I have found myself spinning multiple wheels of life, with a full-time consultancy job, a growing portfolio of clients in my private practice; writing and speaking commitments; social media management; business strategising and more networking to gain visibility. And that is just on the business front! There is also a list of family and parental commitments on a weekly basis not to mention swimming lessons, art classes and gymnastics for our daughter. Let’s not even begin to talk about domestic chores! It has just felt like commitment after commitment. More things to add to my to-do lists. After a while, spinning multiple wheels started to feel torturous and I just could not spin anymore. Not even one wheel. In the end, I was spending less time with my family, my husband was shouldering a lot more of the domestic responsibilities to support me and by Christmas I crashed. We had decided to go on holiday – just me, my hubby and daughter- to Tenerife- and sadly I was ill for the most part.
Last week’s soul searching brought me to a realisation. My burnout had been in the making since the middle of last year. I shared this in my blog titled “I am a counsellor and I am depressed”. At the time life seemed somewhat manageable, but I knew that emotionally I was in a very low place, having lost my father in the summer. I know in my heart that there is a connection between the loss of my father and my increasing levels of busy. To put it bluntly, since my father died I have immersed myself in so much work to keep me going for a long while. However, I sneakily convinced myself that once I gave up my full-time job at the end of March, I would finally be able to resurface from the deep end of my busyness pool for much needed air. But I sense, no… I know that it will not be the case unless I take drastic action. Why? Because I have been avoiding. Avoiding dealing and sitting with some deep-rooted discomfort which feels unfamiliar and familiar at the same time. Familiar in the sense that over-doing is one of my defence mechanisms to protect me from anything that remotely resembles pain. Busyness is like a two-edged sword for me, it stops me from being still and present albeit when I most need it, and at the same time it brings a strong sense of validation for me. Like a critical parent who only offers conditional love, I know that I must do more and then some, in order to get the much needed validation that I crave. I know this ‘critical parent’ very well, as she holds a lot of power and influence in my dominant thoughts. I shared my blog post, confessions of a recovering workaholic, sometime last year, which was also published in Talented Ladies Club.

I teach Transactional Analysis to my clients, and cover this in my masterclass BARE. See diagram below

 

PAC

Each of us have three internal models – parents, children and adults, and these roles influence the internal conversations within us as well as our relationships with others.

Knowing I have a strong default inclination to critical parent, means that I must be extra vigilant and intentional about listening to the soothing and calming voice of my nurturing parent. In my case my nurturing parent is represented by God the father and by no surprise when I am out of sync with my nurturing parent I am usually in self-reliant mode, assuring God in my fake American accent, “I got this”.
God and I know me well enough to know that sooner – hopefully rather than later – I will come running for shelter, like the prodigal son, battered and bruised, and I will have no choice but to let Him take over steering the rudder of my massive ship. Why I ever thought I could do this on my own, I wonder.

I have taken some much needed two weeks off work, to just rest and recuperate and I know that I have to make this more of a lifestyle rather than a knee jerk reaction to stress and overwhelm. I love supporting my clients through their transformation journey and I am grateful for the opportunity. But at the same time, I do not have to be the answer to everyone’s problem, which means that sometimes I have to say no to work, or requests for help without feeling guilty or fearful. Whilst my freedom from employment beckons, I know I need to be careful not to fill it up with stuff. Rest, retreats, leisure time and self-care is an absolute must for my emotional, physical and spiritual health, which in turn will allow me to do my best work, which is empowering you.

Can you relate? If you are a busy bee, what is lurking beneath?

I will be holding the next BARE masterclass on 29th April, where we get to explore the internal models mentioned above. I hold this classes monthly and each one leaves me inspired, amazed and grateful for the opportunity. The ladies leave with so much insight, wisdom and revelation about themselves and for some it has brought about breakthroughs. Wow! Read more about what happens at BARE.
If you would like to attend, email me to register your interest or book directly on Eventbrite. I am offering a £10 discount at £69, and prices will be going up in June to £119 to reflect the value offered. Further 5% Discount available if you bring a friend. Come and just BE!

6 Lessons That Changed My Life in 12 Months

I shared with my private Facebook group that change is possible, we can chase after the life we truly want, but first we must know what we really want.  What Do You Want?  When clients start working with me this is one of the first questions I ask. What Do You Want?  I watch them squirm in discomfort as they attempt to answer. We often feel undeserving of the life we truly want. Perhaps we are afraid to say it for fear that we will jinx it or that it might sound so ludicrous.  There was a time when saying that I wanted to earn a living following my passion to empower people sounded foolish and unreachable.  But now I know it is and I want to share it with you!

6 Life-changing Lessons I learned in 12 months

1, Know what you want and write it all down Every hope, wish, dream and desire. If you struggle to know what you want, answer this question “what would I do if I knew I could not fail?”. Don’t overthink it or try to answer realistically. Be intuitive.  What is tugging at your heart with excitement and fear at the same time?

2, Be willing to not care what about what other people think If you are a people pleaser this is hard.  My self-coined quote is “the more you conform, the less you become”.  If you spend your time living for the approval of others and trying to fit in, you will struggle to find your lane let alone walk in it.   Read my blog How to overcome the fear of what people will think.

3, Be prepared to make sacrifices There is a saying, “If you want something you have never had, you must be willing to do something you have never done.”  Change is never easy, no matter what it is and it can be costly. The last few years I have barely watched any television and last year, I had the decision to cut of certain relationships because I knew they would hinder me from making the progress I wanted to make.  Yes, I was radical in some ways, but that was what I needed to do to make it or break it.  Sometimes you have to help yourself get to where you need to, before you can go back and help others.

4, Protect your mind from people and situations that will only make you question your judgements and decisions Get off social media if need be to stop you comparing and gauging your success by what everybody else is doing. Remember this is your life, not theirs.

5, Be prepared to invest in yourself  I heard this saying recently,“don’t expect people to invest in you when you are not prepared to invest in yourself” I was guilty of this for a long while, always trying to do things on the cheap and get things free. Yet I expected massive growth and change. If the change you are after, is something you believe in and truly want, then be prepared to put your money where your mouth is.  There is nothing wrong with negotiating and being honest about where you are at, but don’t let finance be the excuse you give yourself.  Many people have a scarcity mindset and struggle to invest in their personal development.  Or we would much rather spend heavily on material things that brings immediate gratification.  Trust me I know about this, this was how I lived. A few years ago, I would easily spend £800 on a bag. Now, if the expenditure is not going to help me grow or make more money I would think hard before parting with my cash.  The truth is over the last couple of years I really have had no time or interest in shopping. I had a real revelation last year, that my need to spend extravagantly in the past was fuelled by my lack of purpose. The more frustrated I was about my life the more money I spent to feel good about me.  So, I have saved myself thousands of pounds by not overspending which I have used towards my self-development.

6, Surround yourself with mentors, coaches, and a strong support network of people who will hold your hand and walk you through the process.  I would not have exceeded my goals last year without the support of 3 coaches, 2 mentors, 1 counsellor and 3 accountability partners. I paid for coaches for their expertise in areas where I lacked knowledge. I am a great mindset coach and counsellor but I certainly am not an expert on growing my business online, or in marketing strategies.  When I decided to write a book, I knew I needed a coach who would help get it done quicker without having to spend hours researching. Time is money! I shared with my private Facebook group that before change can happen physically, it must first take place in your mind.  Fear is the very thing that keeps us crippled and prevents us from making change – whatever that change is.   Whilst mindset coaching is my forte and the crux of my job as an Authenticity coach and counsellor, I am under no illusion that I don’t need help in this area myself. Hence why I invest in my own mindset development.

So, there are your 6 lessons. I hope it has been useful.

If you are stuck and are fed up of feeling stuck and frustrated about where you are at: it might be your relationship, your career, or perhaps you are struggling to answer these questions: Who am I? What do I want? What is my Purpose?  Or maybe life has recently thrown you a few curveballs. Whatever your predicament, don’t suffer in silence, and try to work it out on your own, GET IN TOUCH!
I am offering a 90-minute coaching session for £97. To ensure that we work efficiently and effectively during the session, there will be a pre-session questionnaire.  So, come on, stop dilly dallying and book Your 90-minute session here.
My signature Authenticity coaching programme will

Help you understand you

Identify the root of your problems

Develop a success plan to make change happen

Build the courage  to change

Implement Change and live the life you truly want