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A difficult experience recently left me sinking in a myriad of emotions, but the one that stood out the most in deep red, was anger. Absolute rage, that I thought I would faint from the overwhelming pressure. Worse still was the fact that I couldn’t voice my rage because of the sensitivity of circumstances that surrounded the issue. So I was left scheming, plotting and acting out in my mind what I needed to do to hit back. I wanted to hurt the person as much as I felt they hurt me. Soon enough I had a list of all the people that had hurt me. Old resentments resurfaced with thoughts spilling out like a reopened wound, bleeding profusely.

“You see, I told you never to trust anybody, NEVER. They will always hurt you”
“They will use your words against you”
“Trust no one”
“They meant to hurt you”
“No one really cares”
“Keep your guard up and never let it down”
“You see, I told you..”

“They” means everyone, so of course it made sense I would cut them all off. Every single one of them. My thoughts were sly and cunning enough to justify projecting my anger on the innocents. This was war and I was going to win. Yet I couldn’t sleep, there was no peace, just a rage and a strong defensive desire to be even, to hurt and not be hurt again.

Self-awareness and the Counsellor in me said “you know there is more to this Oby, you need to explore” But the wounded child in me wouldn’t budge or let go. “Hurt them, cut them off”
I prayed, “Lord, I need your help, this is big. Help me process this” I needed a serious dose of courage, and bravery, my full armour, to help me tread the path of exploring my anger. “Remember Oby, anger is a signpost, you just need to follow the trail. Use your anger to understand.”

But I was so aaannggrry!! It felt easier and more comfortable to blame and hit back and dump it on everyone else’s doorstep. I couldn’t bear to look at my stuff… “what stuff? It’s not me, it’s them.” I felt justified.

But I know deep down in the depths of my soul, that anger is a mask. What was I hiding? What was lurking?
So with great trepidation I took some time, deep breaths…. More deep breaths to listen…
And I heard. I heard a little girl’s voice… little Oby
Rocking back and forth, holding me tightly in a foetal like position, I cried out the words…
“Lord I feel rejected”
“I feel unloved, no one loves me”
“I feel unlovable”
“I feel like I’m on the outside and no one would let me in”
“Because I am not good enough”
“Because I am not good”
“I feel disapproved”
“Nothing I do will ever be good enough”
“It hurts like hell to even try to think of how they see me… no good”
“I feel despised”
“trampled and trodden on”
“Accused”
“Abused”
“Belittled”
“unheard”
“unloved”
“judged”
“shamed”
“condemned”
“put out”
“small”

Rocking back and forth, my burden felt lighter, my breathing calmer as I pondered, reflected and remembered. I remembered whom I belonged to, I remembered I am loved, deeply loved. If I allowed myself I could feel His love, wanting to soothe away my pain. Fighting the urge to reject this revelation, this love, feeling unworthy and undeserving.

I remembered again,
I am loved and I am worthy to receive that love.
I am good enough
I am good
I am lovable
I am worthy
I am cherished
I am adequate
There is no condemnation for I am His

Can You Relate?

If like me, you are consumed with feelings of anger, rejection or hurt and you want to do something about it, to get unstuck and free. Or maybe life has recently thrown you a few curveballs. Whatever your predicament, don’t suffer in silence, and try to work it out on your own, GET IN TOUCH!  BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY SESSION

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